I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
