Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
