You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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