Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
