I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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