The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
