It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
