eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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