Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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