Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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