He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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