Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
