I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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