i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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