Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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