Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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