I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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