Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
