No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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