Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
