The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sorry my hands just texted you
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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