I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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