You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
