somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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