I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
