did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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