I can tuck mytits in my pants
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
