Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
