I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
