I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
