so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
