MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
