At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
