Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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