So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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