Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize