Will you blow on my dice?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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