If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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