Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
