I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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