I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
