Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
