I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
