I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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