I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
