worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
