Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just found puke in my bra..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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