I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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