I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you will always have a special place in my vag
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
