im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
