Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
