Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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