I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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