And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
