the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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