Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
