i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
