hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
